A Couples Therapist in Washington, DC Shares: How Does Reality TV Impact Your Relationship? Season 1
While there is nothing wrong with watching some good ole’ reality TV, they don’t exactly portray the ‘reality’ they suggest. Yes, they can be riveting, entertaining, and more often than not, the mindless escape we need from our day-to-days! They bring us connection in the group chat (i.e. ‘Scandoval’) and provide opportune jaw-dropping moments. But, have you taken time lately to examine just how reality tv viewing may be impacting your romantic relationship? What could these unrealistic expectations for love, romance, and dating be doing to you? I hope to answer all that, and more as we explore a series of upcoming blog posts on the mental health implications of reality television. First up: romantic relationships.
The Plague of The Perfect Date:
When’s the last time you had a date take you to get personal dance lessons from The Backstreet Boys, or out for some good ‘ole fashioned naked bungee jumping? If you, like many of us, answered “C.) none of the above”, you’re not alone and likely have never been a contestant on The Bachelor. Amongst other things, reality television shows have offered a misconstrued version of what dating actually looks like. The curated conditions for romance, and truly falling (like, from a bungee cord) in love have given a false sense of what things “should” look or feel like in the early stages of dating. Completely captivating televised moments, but in reality, dating in these extreme conditions deters from the nature of actually getting to know the person you are with, and lets external conditions become the metric of connection. This is not a glimpse of what real life with a potential romantic partner may look like, strike one.
The Scare-city Mindset:
‘Soulmate’, ‘the one’, ‘love at first sight’; what do these monickers, often heard on reality dating shows, all have in common? They offer a scarcity mindset in relationships, that there is this one perfect person out there that is the lock to our key, or vice versa. Reality romantic tv is a distant cousin to the rom-com notion that there is a ‘one and only’ out there, and if only our audition video for the most recent hit show is chosen we will somehow find “our person”. When we narrow in on just one person, we can blind ourselves to other potentially viable options for partners.
Chemistry may spark a relationship, but it’s compatibility and character that keep it going.
Reality television captures the spark, but not the maintenance and work it takes to upkeep the flame. Where this transitions to real-life-dating, and what I so often hear from clients is “there wasn’t that spark”, after the first date, then immediately the individual is cut from the lineup. We ostracize potentially compatible partners because of this unrealistic attachment to the spark, something that really doesn’t say much about a person’s depth or character that would eventually prove to be qualities to keep a relationship going over time. Reality show dating gives the illusion of “the one”, blinding us to the many all around us each and every day, strike two.
Unrealistic Sexpectations:
Blinded by the oxytocin. What is oxytocin, you ask? The feel-good chemical allows you to feel safe, and secure and gives the illusion of love. What activates oxytocin? All genders release oxytocin after sex, making us feel potentially safe with an unsafe partner. How does that relate to reality dating shows? When we watch candidates partner shopping in this way, oxytocin becomes part of the deal. Did you miss most episodes of The Bachelorette, but always tune in for the Fantasy Suite episode? Yeah, there’s a reason for that, sex can give the illusion of a safe and connected relationship, where a foundation does not yet exist.
This does, of course, happen in dating in “real life”, and while your studio apartment may not feel like a Fantasy Suite, being mindful of how oxytocin impacts not just your favorite television show contestant, but also yourself can be a way to draw awareness to where chemicals are capturing in your real life, and on television. This one’s a draw, I think the bond of oxytocin manifests in the connections we see in reality television, and can also draw us to partners in real life, after all, we do share a common thread with our reality television counterparts: we’re all human. The old adage “sex sells” may be right, but it may also be interesting to observe how sex changes a dynamic between romantic partners on a reality show and with your own dating and romantic relationships. So, this one’s not really a strike more of the thread that may connect us to these shows.
To Be Continued…
To be clear, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with reality tv dating shows, but just like anything that may feel a little too good, moderation and mindfulness can be key. Are you letting dating and reality television blind you to what realistic expectations in dating may be like? Are you limiting and ruling out candidates based on superficial qualities, like the caliber of the first date experience? Lastly, are you missing key character traits about a person from the bursts of oxytocin? There is no supplement for time, it takes time to get to know someone and to participate in the unfolding of a relationship. Real-life dates aren’t edited, and episodic, you can show up as a mindful participant in your own love life while watching your favorite dating show with a keen and curious eye!
Begin Working with A Couples Therapist in Washington, DC
Relationships are rarely like they are on TV. But, our team of caring therapists would be honored to support the strength of your bond. We are happy to offer support with both in-person and online therapy services. You can start your therapy journey with our Washington, DC-based practice by following these simple steps:
Schedule a consultation with us using our contact form.
Meet with one of our skilled therapists.
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Other Services Offered by The Sterling Group
Our team understands there are a variety of mental health services that may affect your life. This is why our counseling practice believes in healing for the whole self. Our skilled therapists offer a range of services related to your healing including couples therapy, self-esteem therapy, trauma therapy, and self-discovery. We help folks struggling with anxiety, depression, life transitions, and executive function and ADHD struggles. Additionally, we can provide boundary-setting therapy, LGBTQ+ therapy, life transition therapy, as well as individual counseling for relationship issues. We hope that you’ll reach out to us to get started with counseling and we can’t wait to hear from you.
